Weight? Wait.

You're about to read the most candid blog I will probably ever write. For those who've never had a weight problem, this whole blog may be hard to understand. I've been thinking about writing this blog for a while and finally decided to just put it all out there.

I am overweight. Not just a little. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my life, and this fact is consuming my life 110%. Every choice I make and thing I do revolves around how much I weigh. Examples:

1. I don't wear shorts. I'd rather be unbearably hot.
2. I don't post my current pictures on this blog.
3. I look at and immediately hate all thin women, assuming they'd just skated their way through their fabulously charmed skinny lives. (I hate that I do this...it's SO wrong of me, but if I'm being honest, it's the truth).
4. I plan every move I make around "When and what am I going to eat next?"
5. I assume everyone who sees me is only looking at how fat I am, what I'm eating and then placing heaps of judgment on me. (Converse to point #3 above).
6. I closet eat. Fast food is my favorite.
7. I commit to myself everyday, that "today is going to be the day I put the fork down", and then sabotage myself 100%.

You may say, so why don't you just lose weight? Well, let me tell you, I'd love to. But I've come to realize that weight is not about being fat, and finding a way to make it fall off your body. Ask any dieter, we are experts, more than anyone, how to lose weight. We've lost it, gained it, lost it, gained it.

For me being overweight is about 2 things:

1. Hating myself. Those who know me may say, "Wait a minute! I know you Shannon, you don't seem to hate yourself!" But you know what? I do. Let me explain: I like things about myself. I think I am funny and I'm pretty smart. It is possible to hate yourself and still like some parts of yourself. But I've come to realize that I am compelled to punish myself for being who I am, which is someone who grew up always wanting more, and being made fun of for not having the "things" society places value on, like money and looks. I realized earlier this week that the emotion associated with my first childhood memory of myself is shame. I was 2 years old and I was in the front yard of our house. We were moving out of it, because we couldn't afford it. Somehow as a 2-year-old, I knew this was something to be ashamed of.

I am SHOCKED to realize that even at 2 years old, I was ashamed of something like that. Our family got along fine and we had food on the table and I was never abused, so it's not like I lived some tragic childhood, but I realize that in my childhood, seeds were being planted....seeds of inadequacy, shame, and self-dislike. At a very young age I was comparing myself to other kids. I didn't have the expensive clothes and good looks that other kids had. Sure, I was a nice person, but really didn't see a lot of value in that. From a young age, and even still now, I am in a constant cycle of self-criticism.

It's seems to be a paradox that people who don't like themselves get fat; if someone wanted to like themselves, it would be logical to transform into something likable. Ah, but that's where the food comes in. FOOD.

2. Food
Food=love
Food=good feelings
Food=comfort
Food=non-judgmental friend

I was a skinny kid until puberty, when I started those awkward years...bad hair, bad clothes, still not cool enough, ugly (because 5ft 10in tall at a size 9 is SO FAT). And all of those girls who didn't go through that ugliness are vicious. They made sure to point this out to those of us who had to struggle through, that they were better than us. You could not make friends with these people, but you could escape their meanness....my first coping mechanism was staying home from school, avoidance, and crucifying myself in my mind. Pretty soon food became a great distraction.

I feel pathetic in admitting this: I am still struggling with my ugly years. I am still in 7th grade being told by these girls how ugly or weird I am and how I don't measure up. Only their voices have transformed into my own voice, because I was, and am still, willing to believe, every word they said.

So I've gone through life, facing and defeating some things, failing and succeeding at some things, just like everybody else. But the one thing I'm still not able to touch is self-hatred. This has manifested in so many ways:

I've made food my absolute best friend (for all reasons mentioned above and so many more), and driven all other friends out of my life so me and my food can be alone.

While I'd rather hide from the world in my house, I go out and I take great measures to pretend to be a "real" functioning person in the world, so no one will know there is something wrong with me.

I stuff (pun intended) my feelings down inside of myself because I can't show the world how pathetic I truly am, being a 32-year-old 7th grader who can't break free from what I was told I am.


The funny thing is, the overweight person thinks that seeing numbers go down on a scale will give it all back to you: happiness, acceptance, confidence. Maybe that's true to an extent for some people. As for me, I think it is more important that I start addressing the self-hatred. If I do this, I don't know what will happen to me physically. Maybe I haven't even seen the darkness before the dawn with my appearance. One thing I know is that I cannot go on like this forever, and expect that I will find a way to make my life fulfilling.


I hope that growing up has taught me some things, like those mean girls in school were so ugly inside, and that what's inside DOES matter. This is so cliche to say. But it's the truth. I don't mean things like being nice, agreeable, and fun so others like you. I mean that I hope at some point I can grow confidence and love-for-self that will enable me to do the things in life that matter, like raising children and contributing in meaningful ways to those I love and to the world. I've heard it said, "Life is not a dress rehearsal" and even at 32, I do feel that life is passing before my eyes. My big fat-surrounded eyes. That is not how I want it to be, so it's time to start getting over my hurdles.