OH crap

So I have some intense soreness on my back and I also noticed a grouping of unusual looking red bumps near the sight of the soreness. I've let it go for a good week or so, then decided I better get to the doctor make sure nothing is going terribly wrong. Guess what?

I have shingles. They hurt.

The doc gave me medication and stuff, but since it's a virus, I'm just going to have to ride it out. Ok, give me some sympathy. I'm being a big baby about it. I hurt and I want my mommy.

That "Last Lecture" guy

Let me start this blog by saying, if you haven't read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, I encourage you to do so. I cannot say how much I enjoyed it, because there are no words strong enough. I laughed, I cried, and hopefully I learned a few things.

I can't help but be reminded as I was listening (I listened to this as an audiobook) about my own experience in dealing with someone who has pancreatic cancer. Those were the darkest days of my life, and even six years later, I get tearful when I remember what it was like. My biggest fear in the world is being told I have cancer or some other terminal disease, as the experience I went through was so unbelievably painful and I never want to face something like that again. I was shocked to be hearing about someone who was given the same death sentence as my first husband, and how he could still remain uber-positive.

There is so much to fear and hate about this world and things that can happen to us, but I've forgotten there is good too. I go through life being scared of people. I'm scared of letting them know me and scared that somehow if I get involved with people, it will ruin my life. I think I may be wasting my time with all my "hiding from the world". I may need to start adding people back into my life. Scary. Can someone please hold my hand while I do this?

Again, read the book. It may inspire you.

All stressed up and nowhere to go

Ok, in my last blog I said I wasn't going to whine about being stressed out. But I'm still stressed out 2 weeks later so I decided it would be ok for me to start my whining. This is going to be fun.

Eat. Sleep. Work. Work. Work. Work. Maybe eat lunch at work if I have time. Sleep. Work. Work.

This is what I've been doing since my vacation.........which was like 5 weeks ago!!!!!!! Dude, what the heck! I cannot get caught up at work even though I've had my nose to the grindstone 99% of the time. But there is something happening with this that I've never experienced before....prepare to be shocked:

My bosses care that I am out of bandwidth (which is the new cool phrase for saying you're too busy; I actually really hate corporate buzz words, but I sometime use them. If fact I am going to start a new post soon of the corporate buzz words I love to hate.)

Anyway, I have found that I can be HONEST with my bosses about how I am feeling a lot of pressure and they actually are doing something about it and being flexible. I've been feeling inadequate at my job because I've been unable to meet deadlines, and I've been very kindly reassured that I am meeting and going above expectations. Wow, what an amazing thing to be appreciated at work.

Ok, so I haven't been too whiny, but it's good to sometimes write this stuff out and come to realize the facts. Blogging=therapy=good.

Wah wah wah

Yeah, so I was going to write a blog about how stressed out I am and do lots of therapeutic complaining, but then I was reading some of my last few blogs and wow, what a bunch of negative (albeit honest) stuff. So I decided to write a nice happy blog so even though I'm stressed, I can remember I still have good things going on my life.

1.) Vacation in September, my Miracle cruise. I am happy because I have something to look forward to: time off, on a big fancy boat, with my husband, laying on a deck chair, sipping a drink with an umbrella in it. See why this one tops my list?

2.) Making progress on house "stuff". It's going slowly, but the great thing is that it's actually going. Still lots to do, but bit by bit, it's getting done.

3.) Still love my new job. It's very busy right now, but I'm really enjoying the job and working in the city and riding the bus.

4.) My birthday is coming (in 3.5 months). For some reason, I always start thinking about my birthday way too early. I already know that I want a BIG pink cake with lots of big pink fluffy frosting. And I already have some present ideas in mind. (I know everyone says it's more fun to give than receive, but I gotta be honest, I freakin' love getting presents. I like piles of them.)

5.) My new karaoke machine. My old one is broken, but now I have a new one! A couple of weeks ago, I karaoked by myself for 2.5 hours. For some reason, this makes my big cat howl. I think he thinks I'm howling and he wants to join me. I never said I was good at karaoke, but I LOVE it.

See? Five things, among many more I'm sure, to be happy about.

Friends

"Friends" are a tough subject for me. (Notice, I'm not talking about the TV show.) Right now, within 100 mile radius of my house, I have none.

The problem is I've chosen to bring people into my life who I end up dumping or who are not good for me. These are such big faults of mine. I definitely blame myself, for both driving away good people, and also making destructive choices.

The thing is, now I'm deathly afraid of having friends (other than aforementioned food, still working on that one). I am so afraid of choosing badly yet again, or unfairly ditching good people because I don't want them to know me or I find a fault with them.

Sadly, in order to get away from the one major destructive friendship in my life, I avoided anyone associated with that person, and dissed a lot of great people. Recently, while visiting Michigan, I ran into a few people I dissed, and realized what a mistake that was. I was happily surprised that these guys were so kind to me after what I'd done to them. They are truly amazing.

My awesome mother-in-law is such a good influence in my life and has often reminded me that for the most part, people are good. I love that she is able to see that, and I really value that wisdom that she had imparted to me. It has given me hope that someday, I will find people who are genuine. Maybe I will come to realize that I can have friends in my life who accept me the way I am and I can reciprocate without running away at the first sign of a flaw.

I really miss having friends.

Disclaimer:
Shelly, I miss you a lot, and I know if we lived by each other, we'd be together all the time.
Judy, I really miss having you as my friend. You are such a great and positive person, and I adore what a fabulous woman I know you are, even though we haven't see each other in years.

Weight? Wait.

You're about to read the most candid blog I will probably ever write. For those who've never had a weight problem, this whole blog may be hard to understand. I've been thinking about writing this blog for a while and finally decided to just put it all out there.

I am overweight. Not just a little. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my life, and this fact is consuming my life 110%. Every choice I make and thing I do revolves around how much I weigh. Examples:

1. I don't wear shorts. I'd rather be unbearably hot.
2. I don't post my current pictures on this blog.
3. I look at and immediately hate all thin women, assuming they'd just skated their way through their fabulously charmed skinny lives. (I hate that I do this...it's SO wrong of me, but if I'm being honest, it's the truth).
4. I plan every move I make around "When and what am I going to eat next?"
5. I assume everyone who sees me is only looking at how fat I am, what I'm eating and then placing heaps of judgment on me. (Converse to point #3 above).
6. I closet eat. Fast food is my favorite.
7. I commit to myself everyday, that "today is going to be the day I put the fork down", and then sabotage myself 100%.

You may say, so why don't you just lose weight? Well, let me tell you, I'd love to. But I've come to realize that weight is not about being fat, and finding a way to make it fall off your body. Ask any dieter, we are experts, more than anyone, how to lose weight. We've lost it, gained it, lost it, gained it.

For me being overweight is about 2 things:

1. Hating myself. Those who know me may say, "Wait a minute! I know you Shannon, you don't seem to hate yourself!" But you know what? I do. Let me explain: I like things about myself. I think I am funny and I'm pretty smart. It is possible to hate yourself and still like some parts of yourself. But I've come to realize that I am compelled to punish myself for being who I am, which is someone who grew up always wanting more, and being made fun of for not having the "things" society places value on, like money and looks. I realized earlier this week that the emotion associated with my first childhood memory of myself is shame. I was 2 years old and I was in the front yard of our house. We were moving out of it, because we couldn't afford it. Somehow as a 2-year-old, I knew this was something to be ashamed of.

I am SHOCKED to realize that even at 2 years old, I was ashamed of something like that. Our family got along fine and we had food on the table and I was never abused, so it's not like I lived some tragic childhood, but I realize that in my childhood, seeds were being planted....seeds of inadequacy, shame, and self-dislike. At a very young age I was comparing myself to other kids. I didn't have the expensive clothes and good looks that other kids had. Sure, I was a nice person, but really didn't see a lot of value in that. From a young age, and even still now, I am in a constant cycle of self-criticism.

It's seems to be a paradox that people who don't like themselves get fat; if someone wanted to like themselves, it would be logical to transform into something likable. Ah, but that's where the food comes in. FOOD.

2. Food
Food=love
Food=good feelings
Food=comfort
Food=non-judgmental friend

I was a skinny kid until puberty, when I started those awkward years...bad hair, bad clothes, still not cool enough, ugly (because 5ft 10in tall at a size 9 is SO FAT). And all of those girls who didn't go through that ugliness are vicious. They made sure to point this out to those of us who had to struggle through, that they were better than us. You could not make friends with these people, but you could escape their meanness....my first coping mechanism was staying home from school, avoidance, and crucifying myself in my mind. Pretty soon food became a great distraction.

I feel pathetic in admitting this: I am still struggling with my ugly years. I am still in 7th grade being told by these girls how ugly or weird I am and how I don't measure up. Only their voices have transformed into my own voice, because I was, and am still, willing to believe, every word they said.

So I've gone through life, facing and defeating some things, failing and succeeding at some things, just like everybody else. But the one thing I'm still not able to touch is self-hatred. This has manifested in so many ways:

I've made food my absolute best friend (for all reasons mentioned above and so many more), and driven all other friends out of my life so me and my food can be alone.

While I'd rather hide from the world in my house, I go out and I take great measures to pretend to be a "real" functioning person in the world, so no one will know there is something wrong with me.

I stuff (pun intended) my feelings down inside of myself because I can't show the world how pathetic I truly am, being a 32-year-old 7th grader who can't break free from what I was told I am.


The funny thing is, the overweight person thinks that seeing numbers go down on a scale will give it all back to you: happiness, acceptance, confidence. Maybe that's true to an extent for some people. As for me, I think it is more important that I start addressing the self-hatred. If I do this, I don't know what will happen to me physically. Maybe I haven't even seen the darkness before the dawn with my appearance. One thing I know is that I cannot go on like this forever, and expect that I will find a way to make my life fulfilling.


I hope that growing up has taught me some things, like those mean girls in school were so ugly inside, and that what's inside DOES matter. This is so cliche to say. But it's the truth. I don't mean things like being nice, agreeable, and fun so others like you. I mean that I hope at some point I can grow confidence and love-for-self that will enable me to do the things in life that matter, like raising children and contributing in meaningful ways to those I love and to the world. I've heard it said, "Life is not a dress rehearsal" and even at 32, I do feel that life is passing before my eyes. My big fat-surrounded eyes. That is not how I want it to be, so it's time to start getting over my hurdles.

Bike

My husband bought me a bike last Friday!! We got it at Target and I was so excited that when we walked out of the store, I immediately hopped on the bike and rode around the Target parking lot! I'm sure I looked like a ding bat, but I don't care! I also got a cute little bell that I attached to it. I love to ride my bike and ring the bell. I feel like a 9 year old again!

I tried finding a helmet, but apparently I must have a big head because none of the helmets at Target fit me. I'll be checking out a bike shop soon. I want a pink one.