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I'm going to call it "My first pregnancy".

OH crap

So I have some intense soreness on my back and I also noticed a grouping of unusual looking red bumps near the sight of the soreness. I've let it go for a good week or so, then decided I better get to the doctor make sure nothing is going terribly wrong. Guess what?

I have shingles. They hurt.

The doc gave me medication and stuff, but since it's a virus, I'm just going to have to ride it out. Ok, give me some sympathy. I'm being a big baby about it. I hurt and I want my mommy.

That "Last Lecture" guy

Let me start this blog by saying, if you haven't read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, I encourage you to do so. I cannot say how much I enjoyed it, because there are no words strong enough. I laughed, I cried, and hopefully I learned a few things.

I can't help but be reminded as I was listening (I listened to this as an audiobook) about my own experience in dealing with someone who has pancreatic cancer. Those were the darkest days of my life, and even six years later, I get tearful when I remember what it was like. My biggest fear in the world is being told I have cancer or some other terminal disease, as the experience I went through was so unbelievably painful and I never want to face something like that again. I was shocked to be hearing about someone who was given the same death sentence as my first husband, and how he could still remain uber-positive.

There is so much to fear and hate about this world and things that can happen to us, but I've forgotten there is good too. I go through life being scared of people. I'm scared of letting them know me and scared that somehow if I get involved with people, it will ruin my life. I think I may be wasting my time with all my "hiding from the world". I may need to start adding people back into my life. Scary. Can someone please hold my hand while I do this?

Again, read the book. It may inspire you.

All stressed up and nowhere to go

Ok, in my last blog I said I wasn't going to whine about being stressed out. But I'm still stressed out 2 weeks later so I decided it would be ok for me to start my whining. This is going to be fun.

Eat. Sleep. Work. Work. Work. Work. Maybe eat lunch at work if I have time. Sleep. Work. Work.

This is what I've been doing since my vacation.........which was like 5 weeks ago!!!!!!! Dude, what the heck! I cannot get caught up at work even though I've had my nose to the grindstone 99% of the time. But there is something happening with this that I've never experienced before....prepare to be shocked:

My bosses care that I am out of bandwidth (which is the new cool phrase for saying you're too busy; I actually really hate corporate buzz words, but I sometime use them. If fact I am going to start a new post soon of the corporate buzz words I love to hate.)

Anyway, I have found that I can be HONEST with my bosses about how I am feeling a lot of pressure and they actually are doing something about it and being flexible. I've been feeling inadequate at my job because I've been unable to meet deadlines, and I've been very kindly reassured that I am meeting and going above expectations. Wow, what an amazing thing to be appreciated at work.

Ok, so I haven't been too whiny, but it's good to sometimes write this stuff out and come to realize the facts. Blogging=therapy=good.

Wah wah wah

Yeah, so I was going to write a blog about how stressed out I am and do lots of therapeutic complaining, but then I was reading some of my last few blogs and wow, what a bunch of negative (albeit honest) stuff. So I decided to write a nice happy blog so even though I'm stressed, I can remember I still have good things going on my life.

1.) Vacation in September, my Miracle cruise. I am happy because I have something to look forward to: time off, on a big fancy boat, with my husband, laying on a deck chair, sipping a drink with an umbrella in it. See why this one tops my list?

2.) Making progress on house "stuff". It's going slowly, but the great thing is that it's actually going. Still lots to do, but bit by bit, it's getting done.

3.) Still love my new job. It's very busy right now, but I'm really enjoying the job and working in the city and riding the bus.

4.) My birthday is coming (in 3.5 months). For some reason, I always start thinking about my birthday way too early. I already know that I want a BIG pink cake with lots of big pink fluffy frosting. And I already have some present ideas in mind. (I know everyone says it's more fun to give than receive, but I gotta be honest, I freakin' love getting presents. I like piles of them.)

5.) My new karaoke machine. My old one is broken, but now I have a new one! A couple of weeks ago, I karaoked by myself for 2.5 hours. For some reason, this makes my big cat howl. I think he thinks I'm howling and he wants to join me. I never said I was good at karaoke, but I LOVE it.

See? Five things, among many more I'm sure, to be happy about.

Friends

"Friends" are a tough subject for me. (Notice, I'm not talking about the TV show.) Right now, within 100 mile radius of my house, I have none.

The problem is I've chosen to bring people into my life who I end up dumping or who are not good for me. These are such big faults of mine. I definitely blame myself, for both driving away good people, and also making destructive choices.

The thing is, now I'm deathly afraid of having friends (other than aforementioned food, still working on that one). I am so afraid of choosing badly yet again, or unfairly ditching good people because I don't want them to know me or I find a fault with them.

Sadly, in order to get away from the one major destructive friendship in my life, I avoided anyone associated with that person, and dissed a lot of great people. Recently, while visiting Michigan, I ran into a few people I dissed, and realized what a mistake that was. I was happily surprised that these guys were so kind to me after what I'd done to them. They are truly amazing.

My awesome mother-in-law is such a good influence in my life and has often reminded me that for the most part, people are good. I love that she is able to see that, and I really value that wisdom that she had imparted to me. It has given me hope that someday, I will find people who are genuine. Maybe I will come to realize that I can have friends in my life who accept me the way I am and I can reciprocate without running away at the first sign of a flaw.

I really miss having friends.

Disclaimer:
Shelly, I miss you a lot, and I know if we lived by each other, we'd be together all the time.
Judy, I really miss having you as my friend. You are such a great and positive person, and I adore what a fabulous woman I know you are, even though we haven't see each other in years.

Weight? Wait.

You're about to read the most candid blog I will probably ever write. For those who've never had a weight problem, this whole blog may be hard to understand. I've been thinking about writing this blog for a while and finally decided to just put it all out there.

I am overweight. Not just a little. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my life, and this fact is consuming my life 110%. Every choice I make and thing I do revolves around how much I weigh. Examples:

1. I don't wear shorts. I'd rather be unbearably hot.
2. I don't post my current pictures on this blog.
3. I look at and immediately hate all thin women, assuming they'd just skated their way through their fabulously charmed skinny lives. (I hate that I do this...it's SO wrong of me, but if I'm being honest, it's the truth).
4. I plan every move I make around "When and what am I going to eat next?"
5. I assume everyone who sees me is only looking at how fat I am, what I'm eating and then placing heaps of judgment on me. (Converse to point #3 above).
6. I closet eat. Fast food is my favorite.
7. I commit to myself everyday, that "today is going to be the day I put the fork down", and then sabotage myself 100%.

You may say, so why don't you just lose weight? Well, let me tell you, I'd love to. But I've come to realize that weight is not about being fat, and finding a way to make it fall off your body. Ask any dieter, we are experts, more than anyone, how to lose weight. We've lost it, gained it, lost it, gained it.

For me being overweight is about 2 things:

1. Hating myself. Those who know me may say, "Wait a minute! I know you Shannon, you don't seem to hate yourself!" But you know what? I do. Let me explain: I like things about myself. I think I am funny and I'm pretty smart. It is possible to hate yourself and still like some parts of yourself. But I've come to realize that I am compelled to punish myself for being who I am, which is someone who grew up always wanting more, and being made fun of for not having the "things" society places value on, like money and looks. I realized earlier this week that the emotion associated with my first childhood memory of myself is shame. I was 2 years old and I was in the front yard of our house. We were moving out of it, because we couldn't afford it. Somehow as a 2-year-old, I knew this was something to be ashamed of.

I am SHOCKED to realize that even at 2 years old, I was ashamed of something like that. Our family got along fine and we had food on the table and I was never abused, so it's not like I lived some tragic childhood, but I realize that in my childhood, seeds were being planted....seeds of inadequacy, shame, and self-dislike. At a very young age I was comparing myself to other kids. I didn't have the expensive clothes and good looks that other kids had. Sure, I was a nice person, but really didn't see a lot of value in that. From a young age, and even still now, I am in a constant cycle of self-criticism.

It's seems to be a paradox that people who don't like themselves get fat; if someone wanted to like themselves, it would be logical to transform into something likable. Ah, but that's where the food comes in. FOOD.

2. Food
Food=love
Food=good feelings
Food=comfort
Food=non-judgmental friend

I was a skinny kid until puberty, when I started those awkward years...bad hair, bad clothes, still not cool enough, ugly (because 5ft 10in tall at a size 9 is SO FAT). And all of those girls who didn't go through that ugliness are vicious. They made sure to point this out to those of us who had to struggle through, that they were better than us. You could not make friends with these people, but you could escape their meanness....my first coping mechanism was staying home from school, avoidance, and crucifying myself in my mind. Pretty soon food became a great distraction.

I feel pathetic in admitting this: I am still struggling with my ugly years. I am still in 7th grade being told by these girls how ugly or weird I am and how I don't measure up. Only their voices have transformed into my own voice, because I was, and am still, willing to believe, every word they said.

So I've gone through life, facing and defeating some things, failing and succeeding at some things, just like everybody else. But the one thing I'm still not able to touch is self-hatred. This has manifested in so many ways:

I've made food my absolute best friend (for all reasons mentioned above and so many more), and driven all other friends out of my life so me and my food can be alone.

While I'd rather hide from the world in my house, I go out and I take great measures to pretend to be a "real" functioning person in the world, so no one will know there is something wrong with me.

I stuff (pun intended) my feelings down inside of myself because I can't show the world how pathetic I truly am, being a 32-year-old 7th grader who can't break free from what I was told I am.


The funny thing is, the overweight person thinks that seeing numbers go down on a scale will give it all back to you: happiness, acceptance, confidence. Maybe that's true to an extent for some people. As for me, I think it is more important that I start addressing the self-hatred. If I do this, I don't know what will happen to me physically. Maybe I haven't even seen the darkness before the dawn with my appearance. One thing I know is that I cannot go on like this forever, and expect that I will find a way to make my life fulfilling.


I hope that growing up has taught me some things, like those mean girls in school were so ugly inside, and that what's inside DOES matter. This is so cliche to say. But it's the truth. I don't mean things like being nice, agreeable, and fun so others like you. I mean that I hope at some point I can grow confidence and love-for-self that will enable me to do the things in life that matter, like raising children and contributing in meaningful ways to those I love and to the world. I've heard it said, "Life is not a dress rehearsal" and even at 32, I do feel that life is passing before my eyes. My big fat-surrounded eyes. That is not how I want it to be, so it's time to start getting over my hurdles.

Bike

My husband bought me a bike last Friday!! We got it at Target and I was so excited that when we walked out of the store, I immediately hopped on the bike and rode around the Target parking lot! I'm sure I looked like a ding bat, but I don't care! I also got a cute little bell that I attached to it. I love to ride my bike and ring the bell. I feel like a 9 year old again!

I tried finding a helmet, but apparently I must have a big head because none of the helmets at Target fit me. I'll be checking out a bike shop soon. I want a pink one.

A dollar

The other day, as I was waiting for the bus, a man was walking down the street and stopping to talk to people. I knew exactly what he was doing, he was asking people for money. Everyone was turning him down, as most people do. I mean, we've been taught not to give money to people who beg, as they're probably going to buy drugs and alcohol with it, or he's probably got tons of money stashed somewhere.

I was inevitably approached, and you know what? The guy asked if I had a dollar to spare. And right then and there I decided to put away my assumptions, because I don't know that he is going to use any money I give him for something bad. Yes, I had a dollar to spare. This man very politely thanked me and said that we all just need a little help sometimes.

Like I said, I don't know what he'll do with my dollar. It didn't appear that he was having a lot of success, so I highly doubt that he was going to do much damage with the money he'd collected.

You may say I've been taken, ripped off, and a fool for giving someone money. I don't know that, only he does. One thing I do know though, is that it made me feel like a nice person to give someone a hand. It was worth a dollar for me to stop being cynical and judgmental for a little while.

Need a vacation

Growing up, we were not the type of family that took vacations. I mean the kind that you go away for many days in a row. I was always kind of jealous of my peers in school who got to go away to Florida on Spring Break, or some other seemingly "exotic" destination. Our family just didn't have the money to do it. (One of the trade-offs though, was having a mom at home full-time, which was priceless.) Sure we took some adventures for 1 or 2 days, which were always fun but, I never grew up knowing what a real vacation was, nor really knowing why someone would *need* a vacation. I get it now.

Kevin and I both work full time, are still newlyweds, and have a fixer-upper we bought a year ago. And I think we're both just tired. Tired of doing what we "should" do, and feeling guilty about the things we didn't do that we "should've". (Just wait till we have kids right?!?!) I feel though that we are both running out of steam. I'm not saying we're working ourselves to death, not taking out any time for ourselves, but I think we both need to just get away from the routine. We don't lead a hard life by any stretch of the imagination, but even things that may not appear energy-consuming on the surface can take their toll after a while. Like planning the weekly menu, or running the Saturday errands...they start to get annoying after a while, ya know? On the whole, I am extremely grateful that we are able to pay our bills, have some fun, and even save money.

Despite it all, WE NEED A BREAK!!!

Kevin and I have been very blessed this year, despite the national economic decline of late. And we are gonna take that vacation! I think we're close to settling on an eastern Caribbean cruise. The cruise ship is named "Miracle". And maybe with a little stroke of luck, a little "miracle" will appear in our lives 9 months after that cruise is over...

Crash!

Welp, I got rear ended 2 days ago and have nice shiner under my left eye from whacking my head on the steering wheel (OUCH!).

No, my husband does not abuse me. (I'm going to tell people I got into a barroom brawl, to make me sound tough).

I was being pitiful for the last two days, but now I'm doing better. Of course the house is a complete disaster because I haven't felt like cleaning, but maybe tonight I can re-establish some semblance of order.

Why do I get in so many car accidents?
1988-was in a car that got t-boned

1996-hit someone head on (at a low rate of speed, thank goodness, but it totaled my friend's car)

2002-was hit by cute boy who was not amused that I told him he should take me out to dinner (pre-Kevin days)

2002-2 weeks after the other 2oo2 wreck, on my birthday in my 2 week old car. I rear ended a guy, and he was creepy and asked me out. (I said no.)

2006-got rear ended twice by the same person in NYC, on the way home from our honeymoon

2007-car got backed into by my brother (that one was kind of funny)

and now 2008-got rear ended, and my bumper is being replaced so that dent from when my brother rear ended me last year will be taken care of

Ok, that's 7 accidents, 2 were my fault. I don't need anymore thank you.

Some one was mean to me.

It's hopefully pretty rare that someone is literally mean to you. I mean, I can't really remember the last time before today that someone was just mean. This is what happened.

I was pulling into a parking spot today, and misjudged a little, and *tapped* a car on it's bumper. I mean, really, tapped. It just so happened that the person whose car it was, was coming out of the store. She saw what happened and came running to my car, yelling "No, no, no, no" and wagging her finger at me. She was accusing me of trying to flee the scene of the crime because when I tapped the car, I started to back up, as driving forward was not what I wanted to do. I profusely apologized and she was so snotty to me, I became defensive. I won't go into the details, but pretty much, there was NO damage to her car, and she was acting like was on a mission to steal her first born child. I offered all my info, name, number, car insurance, and she didn't take it, and at the end, she felt compelled to give me a driving lesson. This was not a good experience.

I obviously know, I was completely to blame for bumping the car. I can live with that. Sure I feel pretty stupid about it, but I can't unring the bell. And yes, she had the right to be angry. But I think what struck me is her behavior in this situation. It's amazing how poorly people handle things sometimes (me included). It can take the slightest thing to turn people from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. Some are more vicious than others. It's a good lesson, to remember that no one is perfect and sometimes people do things unintentionally, and that doesn't mean that they are the devil incarnate. My misjudging, and her nastiness are hopefully not indicators of how we are as people on the whole.

I was very upset after the encounter. I called Kevin and cried on his shoulder. That helped. It then occurred to me that the way I could redeem my feeling stupid and being angry at the mean lady was to continue my shopping and be extra nice to everyone I encountered. It really worked. The shopping also helped. (I'm a girl, ya know....retail therapy is good.)

I'm pretty much over it now, and I hope the mean lady is doing ok too. I truly am sorry about disturbing her, and will now be much more careful about parking.

Passwords

For those of you who couldn't care less about the minutia of my life, this is a blog you may want to skip.

So. Passwords. I am sick and tired of carrying around 25,000 user names and passwords in my brain for different applications. They tell you not to use the same password for everything, and you must also base your user names and passwords on certain criteria (e.g. must be 6-15 characters long and contain a number and a symbol and a letter of the greek alphabet). Ugh. It seems to me, the more technologically-advanced we become, the more we inconvenience ourselves.

This is the year 2008, we're in the 21st century, people! Here's what I want to know. Where are the technologies where we use our thumbprint or an optical scan to access everything? If "they" expect us to use technology, they better make it less tedious and annoying. I have much more important things to use my brain power on.

Peapod

So Kevin's friend, Jason, who is a lazy bachelor (love ya Jason), was singing the praises of Peapod, the online grocery store order/delivery thing. Immediately I poo-poo'd him because, well, he is a lazy bachelor, and I thought he would only order groceries online because he couldn't tear himself away from a video game. He was explaining, that yes, there is a delivery charge, but the groceries are the same price. Uh huh. Right.

So in my efforts to PROVE HIM WRONG, I did my own little game of The Price is Right. I went onto the Peapod website to look up items I know. The price of...milk, spaghetti, cereal. I just kept making my list and watching the total on the side. I made a whole week's work of a list, and realized some things:

I was having fun.
I HATE the grocery store and uh, this would be a great way to avoid it. (Seriously, those old ladies in the store may look all sweet and innocent, but they will mow you down if you're in their way.)
When you're not actually IN the grocery store, it's easy to avoid buying things that you didn't have on your list, like chips and Entemann's.
The website makes it MUCH easier to see the sales.
You control your spending, as you can track your total as you're going along.
You can create a list of things you buy all the time, and the website saves it.
If you forget something, you have time to change your order.

and...

The prices were the same.

Color me ashamed for being so judgmental about this! Of course there are downsides, like the delivery charge, but it's not too bad really. And yes, there were some things I could not find. But when you weigh the good vs. bad, the good is far better. So I made my first order on Peapod. (I'm like one of those people who set out to prove there is no God, then became a 100% believer!) Now if only I could get them to stop at Dunkin Donuts on the way to my house, and pick me up a medium french vanilla coffee cream only.


Busy mommies out there....you gotta do this. I know I will love this even more when I'm a busy mommy.

Can't believe I'm doing this

I have a confession to make. I hate Madame Bovary.

I've been trying to broaden my literary horizons. I've read lots of great, good, and ok books. I've been reading Madame Bovary for a while now. And I'm doing something I REALLY don't like to do. I'm giving up on it. I've read about 100 pages and I just can't force myself through anymore.

Kevin tells me that it's fine, I don't have to finish it, but he doesn't understand! I don't "not finish" books! Even books that aren't good, I finish. But unfortunately, I can't choke down one more word of Madame Bovary. It's boring as all hell.

I'm such a rebel.

Taking the easy way out

My husband has provided a perfect example of how people like to take the easy way out. Tonight, he came home from work, his pot pie was in the microwave, almost done. He was so insanely hungry (apparently), that he stopped the microwave 18 seconds early. Then he grabbed the pot pie with his bare hands and dropped it on the floor. I'm still laughing my butt off. (But I was nice and said I'd go with him to the store and get him a new one. He refused.)

Now, if he had taken the time to grab a pot holder, this wouldn't have happened most likely. Apparently the 3 or 4 seconds it would have taken was just too long, and his "I want it now" mentality has ruined his dinner. He has to wait now for something else to cook, and his 3 seconds saved has now turned into about a 20 minute wait. And now his wife is laughing at him incessantly.

But, in a little bit of a serious spirit, it's unfortunate that people do as little as they possibly can to get a certain result. Sometimes it's worth taking the few extra seconds, hours, days, etc. to get it right. We humans can be so silly sometimes, myself included. I would love to hear some of your stories about something you flubbed up because you were too impatient....so I can laugh at you.

Little observations

Have made several miscellaneous observations lately that made me think. Some positive, some negative. See below:

1. Women's pants are complicated. Really. I mean, what is up with all the buttons, hooks, snaps, zippers, etc.? I've learned that you should not wait too long to go pee because it may take you a good minute to undo all of these things. One minute in "pee-pee" time is a long time when you have to go real bad.
2. There are still people who are nice to strangers. Today I was slightly late for the bus and the bus driver was kind enough to wait for me. That meant a lot to me. I don't think she was happy about waiting, but she did, and I appreciate it. Also, at my work, people in elevators actually exchange smiles, and wish you a good day when you exit. In a world where we're being taught to avoid all human contact at any cost (email, auto-attendants, ATMs, etc.), it's nice to know that general friendliness is still out there.
3. I like getting new office supplies as opposed to stocking my desk with supplies that have floated around the office for who-knows-how-long. Unfortunately this doesn't jive with my going green initiative, but it's for sanitary reasons. Example: I knew a girl who would cut slices of American cheese with her letter opener. I feel bad for whomever had to use that letter opener after she left the company.
4. You shouldn't eat too much sugar for breakfast. I know this, but sometimes forget it. It makes you feel yucky and could possibly ruin your whole day.
5. When you like your job, you're a much happier person. Don't really need to expound upon this point.
6. Last, people drop out of your life and don't tell you why. I've done this, and regretted it. I hope I'm woman enough to never do that again. Now, a couple of people who I thought were friends have stopped talking to me. I have been completely unsuccessful in finding out what I did wrong. I've been left to speculate, and in that process I get very angry. Since there is no resolution to this conundrum in sight, I've decided I just need to let it go. I've tried to let it go, but I think I need to do something more that decide. I think I need to have a ritual burning or something...it has to be a tangible way that I can really flush this anger emotion out of my system. I think I'll do this today. Anyone who wants to join me can bring marshmallows :)
   

The wheels on the bus DO go round and round

At least they did for me!

I finally did it. I took the bus to and from work today. I loved it. It was fun. I liked just sitting back and letting someone else do the driving. Another great thing about it is that I'm going to be saving money on gas, garage-parking fees, and using mass transit is helping me go greener.

Riding the bus is something I was scared to do, which may sound dumb to some people, but hey, I'm from a small town. I knew nothing about how to figure out the schedule or how to pay for it, blah, blah, blah. I did lots of research and got a handle on what I thought I needed to do, and it worked. I always thought I'd be a city slicker when I grew up. I've come to realize that I'm never going to be, and that doesn't mean I can't like the city, it's just that I'm never going to turn into a metropolitan chic. And I'm ok with that.

I would encourage anyone who has the opportunity to take the bus! It's definitely a good way to go!

Week wrap-up

So this week wore me out. I slept SO hard last night and slept in so late this morning. I'm hoping that with time I'll adapt to my new schedule (which, by the way, isn't a tough one...it's just new to me.) I'm positive I'll be ok, because nothing is ever as hard as it seems as first. On the upside, I love my new job. After the first week I've confirmed what I had hoped to be true...that I'm really going to be happy there. I don't expect perfection, as that is unrealistic, but I'm generally positive about this move. Now my challenge is to be patient with myself in learning a new industry and again, getting used to being a working girl.

Kevin has been particularly nice to me, bringing me congratulatory flowers, letting me take naps, getting me a glass of water when I was too tired to move, etc. I really found myself a keeper in Kevin. I am so grateful for him and he is truly my rock whether he knows it or not. I am feeling so blessed that I am lucky enough to have his support, and it's not just lip service...he's proven himself to be devoted to me. I never doubted that anyway. (If you're reading this Kevin, I love you.)

I guess there's not much else to say, as I've been so focused on just one thing this week. I'm still tired, but I'm happy.

To be or not to be....me.

In my endeavor of establishing myself in my new job, I've given much thought to how I want to present myself personally. Professionally, of course, I want to be a quick learner, competent and hard-working. On the personal side, I've gotten myself into bad relationships at work because I didn't exercise healthy boundaries. I do not what this to happen ever again. I'm sick of attracting needy, whiny, high maintenance people who crush my spirit.

In my "plan", I had determined to only let the "professional Shannon" shine for a while. It's not working. The people I work with are cool and it's so easy to get caught up in conversations that revolve around my personal life. I want to be pleasant and not let any of my crazy show through. I'm having a hard time with that because I'm not Mrs. Serious. I am:

• weird
• funny
• silly
• nerdy
• talkative

So far, I haven't had too many opportunities to share the details of my life history, so I've not crossed the line yet, but I'm concerned. My mouth runs too fast. GAH! I better get a hold on this fast before everyone finds out what a freak I really am.

Or, should I drop the defenses and just be myself? The thing is, I can't not be myself. Maybe I should just be a censored version of myself. I suppose this is appropriate in work, and many other situations.

Thank God Kevin knows the weirdo-freak in me, and hasn't yet run away screaming.